Good Grief - Injury

Last week I introduced the topic of GRIEF. While it's not a very glamorous topic, nor is it a topic which is very fun to read/write about, it is an important one to give thought to - especially if you are in any way affiliated with the military community. Last week was an in-depth examination of death....and running neck-and-neck with the topic of death is the issue of injury.

Injury is a tremendously scary situation - especially if your loved one's injuries are sustained while s/he is deployed. Information and communication is hard to come by and the full extent of the injury/injuries might not be known for several days...or weeks...or sometimes even months. The Army is systematic in its approach when a wounded warrior requires evacuation. And, thankfully, the Army is wonderful about providing special training and comprehensive resources for those of us who may cross paths with these wounded warriors.

If you anticipate interaction with a wounded servicemember, please invest the time to attend a formal sensitivity training course. You may have good intentions, but even the best of intentions can't "undo" hurt feelings that may occur if your initial response is a poor one. 

When dealing with injury: 

Please do not: "Welcome Home" or "At least you got to come home early"

Consider instead: I've actually been guilty of saying, "Welcome Home"...ouch. What's important to keep in mind here is that Soldiers anticipate deploying, fulfilling a mission and returning home...together. As a close-knit unit. Mission completed (or transitioned). And when an injury means that they must return, alone, earlier than expected, and unable to stand alongside their brothers & sisters in arms, they often experience feelings of shame, regret and loss. I've spoken with a few seriously injured Soldiers who, upon arrival stateside immediately begin talking about returning to duty downrange. Wow. It's been completely humbling to see the stuff that Soldiers are made of. And the spouse (or parents) can be incredibly unnerved...this was not the type of "homecoming" s/he envisioned. Better comments might include, "It is good to see you," or "I'm sorry he's been hurt," or "How was the flight in?" If you have an update or a message from the Soldier's unit downrange, this might be encouraging and appropriate to convey.   

Please do not: Talk "around" the wounded warrior{if you are visiting the Soldier & Family members at a hospital}

Consider instead: No one likes to be talked "about" or identified by their injury. It may seem like oversimplified common sense, but try to be respectful and speak directly "to" the Soldier.


Please do not: say, "You look fine," or "He looks OK."

Consider instead: The Army only evacuates Soldiers for very serious reasons or causes. Just because you can't physically see the injury doesn't mean that injury doesn't exist. In fact, some of the most severe injuries from war are precisely the ones that can't be physically seen: those that involve PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury. You may want to consider avoiding all statements that could be construed as a non-medically qualified opinion...you wouldn't want the Soldier or the Family members to feel as though you've formed an opinion that the Soldier didn't really sustain trauma after all. Think, for a moment, about what this type of message implies about the character of the wounded warrior. Even if the resulting injuries are very treatable and less serious in nature; emotionally, the Soldier and Family members are not fine. Statements such as, "I wish you a full and quick recovery," or "Please let me know what I can do to help while you are recovering" are probably the most comforting during this time.

Please do not: say, "It could've been worse," or "At least you have one (or both) of your legs/arms/etc"

Consider instead: Ouch, this one hurts...these comments, even though they may come from the best place in your heart (you may be thinking, "Who wouldn't want to be encouraged in a positive, 'look-on-the-bright-side' way?") can really sting. I'll have to be somewhat generic here (because the range of possible injury is so wide that it's really impossible to address every scenario) but you'll want to think strongly about the pain and loss and even fear that's been experienced. Think about what caused the injury - it was likely a trauma-inducing event, and the memories may haunt the Soldier for a lifetime. Think about the fear and uncertainty that followed: questions such as "What is the extent of my injury?" "Will I be able to recover from this?" "What does this mean for the future of my career? For the quality of life for rest of my life?" Consider the disappointment of having to leave fellow Soldiers behind to come back. Consider the pain of surgery. Consider the headache of the many visits to doctors. This represents a drastic change in lifestyle. By making well-meaning statements that encourage thankfulness for what didn't happen (hypothetically), you inadvertently minimize what did happen (reality). You can salvage the optimistic statement by pairing it with one that acknowledges the reality as well, "I so thankful that you are alive (or able to keep one or both of your arms/legs/etc), but I also know that the pain and the process must be incredibly difficult."
  
Bottom line: if you anticipate interaction with a Wounded Warrior or Family members please invest time into preparation. Your words (and how they make the families feel) may be remembered for a long, long time. Ask what you can do to make their journey easier (and then do it). A "good heart" does not substitute for "good preparation" - but, with both, you can increase your chances of making a positive memory/impact for a hurting family. And, even if you do make a mistake, you'll be able to recover well.

Helpful resources:
Wounded Warrior Resource Center
Military OneSource (online guides deal with grief & coping. Free telephone support/counseling can help you plan your responses to grieving family members).


Please tune in for the next & final installment about Grief: Deployment.