New Collection - FYSA

Today has been a fun, phone-filled day! Can't say that a lot was accomplished, but things got pushed a little further up the hill. Hopefully good seeds were planted for wonderful things to grow a little later! Sorry this post feels a little rushed, but I only have time for a very quick shout-out:
 

Have you noticed the new-ish button/link at the top of this page?

It's been hanging out there for a couple of months now so I thought I'd provide an explanation for what you can find there - It's a new collection called "For Your Situational Awareness" or "FYSA" for short. All of the best, most impactful lessons I've learned about military life and protocol are house there. To see all the posts arranged, topically (and hopefully logically), please visit the FYSA Page


To see all the posts for FYSA, in chronological order you can find them all grouped here: FYSA Labels

I hope this information (and page) is helpful for you...or for someone you may know. Is there someone you know who may need exposure to this information? Please feel free to share!

:)

Good Grief - Deployment

Ok, breathe easy, this is the last post in a series of 3 that deals with addressing Grief. :)

Post #1: Death

Post #2: Injury

When dealing with: Deployment

Speaking from a strictly civilian standpoint, the most difficult part about the military lifestyle for me to imagine is deployment...in fact, it's something that I actively avoid thinking about. I'll see the photos of the emotional "goodbyes" and then I like to skip right ahead to the heartfelt reunion photos...but it's the "in between" that I just seem to gloss right over. What happens during this time? What is life like for a spouse of a deployed Soldier? For a parent? For children?

Part of the complexity of analyzing the deployment experience is that there are so many factors impacting the loved one left behind:

• Relationship - is the loved one a parent or spouse or child of the deploying/deployed Soldier? One relationship is not superior to the others, but each relational role holds a different set of challenges and considerations.
• Length of deployment - is the Soldier going on a short term training (10 days?) or deploying for 6, 7, 9, 12 or 15 (all approximate) months? You will miss your Soldier regardless of the length of time away from home, but there are certainly different emotions and anxieties that accompany the different lengths of deployment. 
• Location of deployment - does your Soldier's assignment require a 12 month unaccompanied tour to Korea...or a 12 month deployment to a remote base in a combat zone?
• Prior experience with deployment - is this deployment #1...or #5? The case could be argued that the first is the most difficult...but many seasoned deployment veterans may quickly remind us all that deployments absolutely do not get any easier (especially when children are involved). I have seen, first-hand, however that these spouses seem a little more adept at adjusting (quickly) and have more resources and perspective in their "tool kits." You'd better believe that I'm going to be talking to a seasoned spouse when it is my husband's time to deploy.

Here's a brief list of some of the "biggies" to consider when trying to provide encouragement:
Please do not: say to a loved one "Chin up" or "Don't be sad"

Consider instead: The key to understanding this type of grief is to realize that there's been a loss. A loss of the physical presence and companionship of a very close loved one. There's also the loss of perceived safety - although no one is guaranteed safety here, stateside, the chances for harm or for something to go wrong is magnified once a loved one enters a hostile nation - and watching and/or reading news only fuels these fears and uncertainties. During a deployment, communication will be infrequent and unreliable. When planning what you might say to a grieving loved one, you may want to consider statements like, "I know this will be tough, but I also know that you are strong enough to thrive and make your Soldier proud." 

Please do not: Compare a deployment to a time when you were separated from a loved one (non-deployment) "You know, I really missed my husband, too, when he went on a trip with his buddies to Ireland."  

Consider instead: Just don't even go here. 

Please do not: "He'll be just fine" or "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about"

Consider instead: Unless you can guarantee 100%, that this is true, please don't say things like this. It makes you appear wildly out of touch. Offer, instead, "I'll keep you and your Soldier in my thoughts over these coming months. Please let me know if you need anything or if I can help make this journey easier while he's away" or "I appreciate the sacrifice you & your family are making, it means a lot to me." 

Please do not: Discuss the politics of war.

Consider instead: Limit the amount of distress and controversy. Remember that the spouse/parent/child is strictly focused on the very real angst of being separated from a loved one.

Please do not:  Say nothing at all.

Consider instead: Deployments are tough and, oftentimes, friends and extended family simply do not know the best thing to say. And that's perfectly OK...most military spouses don't even know the exact right thing to say, either. Just letting someone know that you are there for them...and then calling or texting periodically can provide just the right encouragement at just the right time.

This list is hardly an exhaustive one - there are so many resources, downloads and entire books devoted to this very complex topic. Please remember that I am very new to the Army family and that, as we near our very first deployment as a couple, I'll be learning lots about what the deployment experience looks like/feels like for me. Will my experience be representative of what all military spouses go through? In some ways, probably yes, and in some ways, maybe not. But I'll try to make it my own and to own it in an authentic way...and I promise to write what I know. Sound good? :)

Additional reading:
"Letter to a friend whose husband is deployed" - a must read!
"Things I wish I had the courage to say during a deployment" - yes, yes and yes.
Deployment Guide - a free download compliments of Veterans United

Good Grief - Injury

Last week I introduced the topic of GRIEF. While it's not a very glamorous topic, nor is it a topic which is very fun to read/write about, it is an important one to give thought to - especially if you are in any way affiliated with the military community. Last week was an in-depth examination of death....and running neck-and-neck with the topic of death is the issue of injury.

Injury is a tremendously scary situation - especially if your loved one's injuries are sustained while s/he is deployed. Information and communication is hard to come by and the full extent of the injury/injuries might not be known for several days...or weeks...or sometimes even months. The Army is systematic in its approach when a wounded warrior requires evacuation. And, thankfully, the Army is wonderful about providing special training and comprehensive resources for those of us who may cross paths with these wounded warriors.

If you anticipate interaction with a wounded servicemember, please invest the time to attend a formal sensitivity training course. You may have good intentions, but even the best of intentions can't "undo" hurt feelings that may occur if your initial response is a poor one. 

When dealing with injury: 

Please do not: "Welcome Home" or "At least you got to come home early"

Consider instead: I've actually been guilty of saying, "Welcome Home"...ouch. What's important to keep in mind here is that Soldiers anticipate deploying, fulfilling a mission and returning home...together. As a close-knit unit. Mission completed (or transitioned). And when an injury means that they must return, alone, earlier than expected, and unable to stand alongside their brothers & sisters in arms, they often experience feelings of shame, regret and loss. I've spoken with a few seriously injured Soldiers who, upon arrival stateside immediately begin talking about returning to duty downrange. Wow. It's been completely humbling to see the stuff that Soldiers are made of. And the spouse (or parents) can be incredibly unnerved...this was not the type of "homecoming" s/he envisioned. Better comments might include, "It is good to see you," or "I'm sorry he's been hurt," or "How was the flight in?" If you have an update or a message from the Soldier's unit downrange, this might be encouraging and appropriate to convey.   

Please do not: Talk "around" the wounded warrior{if you are visiting the Soldier & Family members at a hospital}

Consider instead: No one likes to be talked "about" or identified by their injury. It may seem like oversimplified common sense, but try to be respectful and speak directly "to" the Soldier.


Please do not: say, "You look fine," or "He looks OK."

Consider instead: The Army only evacuates Soldiers for very serious reasons or causes. Just because you can't physically see the injury doesn't mean that injury doesn't exist. In fact, some of the most severe injuries from war are precisely the ones that can't be physically seen: those that involve PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury. You may want to consider avoiding all statements that could be construed as a non-medically qualified opinion...you wouldn't want the Soldier or the Family members to feel as though you've formed an opinion that the Soldier didn't really sustain trauma after all. Think, for a moment, about what this type of message implies about the character of the wounded warrior. Even if the resulting injuries are very treatable and less serious in nature; emotionally, the Soldier and Family members are not fine. Statements such as, "I wish you a full and quick recovery," or "Please let me know what I can do to help while you are recovering" are probably the most comforting during this time.

Please do not: say, "It could've been worse," or "At least you have one (or both) of your legs/arms/etc"

Consider instead: Ouch, this one hurts...these comments, even though they may come from the best place in your heart (you may be thinking, "Who wouldn't want to be encouraged in a positive, 'look-on-the-bright-side' way?") can really sting. I'll have to be somewhat generic here (because the range of possible injury is so wide that it's really impossible to address every scenario) but you'll want to think strongly about the pain and loss and even fear that's been experienced. Think about what caused the injury - it was likely a trauma-inducing event, and the memories may haunt the Soldier for a lifetime. Think about the fear and uncertainty that followed: questions such as "What is the extent of my injury?" "Will I be able to recover from this?" "What does this mean for the future of my career? For the quality of life for rest of my life?" Consider the disappointment of having to leave fellow Soldiers behind to come back. Consider the pain of surgery. Consider the headache of the many visits to doctors. This represents a drastic change in lifestyle. By making well-meaning statements that encourage thankfulness for what didn't happen (hypothetically), you inadvertently minimize what did happen (reality). You can salvage the optimistic statement by pairing it with one that acknowledges the reality as well, "I so thankful that you are alive (or able to keep one or both of your arms/legs/etc), but I also know that the pain and the process must be incredibly difficult."
  
Bottom line: if you anticipate interaction with a Wounded Warrior or Family members please invest time into preparation. Your words (and how they make the families feel) may be remembered for a long, long time. Ask what you can do to make their journey easier (and then do it). A "good heart" does not substitute for "good preparation" - but, with both, you can increase your chances of making a positive memory/impact for a hurting family. And, even if you do make a mistake, you'll be able to recover well.

Helpful resources:
Wounded Warrior Resource Center
Military OneSource (online guides deal with grief & coping. Free telephone support/counseling can help you plan your responses to grieving family members).


Please tune in for the next & final installment about Grief: Deployment. 

Good Grief - Death

Grief is a very complex and deeply personal thing and those of us who are married to the military brush shoulders with it on a seemingly weekly basis.

What types of grief does our military community experience exactly?

Well, glad you asked!

The "big ones" are very easy to guess: death or injury to our loved one. Outside of that, grief can come from almost anywhere: feeling anxious about an upcoming deployment, feeling sad or lonely when you move away from family, friends and familiar surroundings, feeling unsure of your identity when your own career takes a back seat to your spouse's, grief when your kids are experiencing difficulty in school (or adjusting to your new surroundings), etc.

Grief happens when something is lost or missing or when something just isn't as we think it should be.

So, when you come face-to-face with grief, it's common to experience some measure of anxiety yourself: "What should I say? What if I say something wrong?”

Here are some pearls of wisdom I've absorbed lately from various sources that are super to keep top-of-mind...because one never, ever knows when you'll be called upon to comfort or encourage someone experiencing Grief.

When dealing with death: 

Please do not, "God's plan is best" or "God doesn't make mistakes."

Consider instead: Not everyone has the same belief system and, even if they do, these statements can trigger anger: at you and at God. Better to offer, "It is obvious that loved one's name is really special and I can see that you love him/her tremendously; I know you must miss him/her terribly right now."

Please do not, "Things will eventually get better/easier" or "You need to move on (for your children, for your family, for your deceased love one's sake)."

Consider instead: Grief is truly complex and personal. It doesn't follow a schedule and it absolutely can't be rushed. Something irreplaceable has just been lost and the survivor is reeling; creating guilt will not solve this situation. It may provide momentary relief if you focus, instead, on what needs to be done in the near-term and then offer your assistance, "I can see it's 6 o'clock and the kids haven't eaten yet, may I bring you a meal?" "Do you need for me to start a load of laundry for you or help the kids with homework?**" Sometimes you may have to help reintroduce the griever to normal daily activities while he/she is operating on "auto-pilot" or in a state of numbness.

**Special note: ALWAYS ask before you do anything (especially laundry). You would be heartbroken if you tossed her Soldier's worn clothes in the laundry only to discover later that you just washed away her loved one's scent (which provides powerful connection and memory).

Please do not, "I know how you feel..." 

Consider instead: It is impossible to fully know or understand how the other person feels. Even if you've experienced a similar loss of someone very close to you, you will never know how this specific loss is experienced by this specific person. Comparing your experience to theirs can actually make the other person feel like you are minimizing their trauma. It's best just not to reference or relay any kind of personal experience. This grief is about them. Honor that.


Please do not: say nothing at all

Consider instead: Silence, particularly from friends or loved ones, can wound deeply. It can feel as though your own world has stopped turning but everyone else is too busy to notice. It's OK to just let a friend know that you are thinking of them, praying for them and are "there/here" for them. And it's perfectly fine to confess that you simply don't know what to say! I once sent a card of condolence that said only, "No words." Of course, I followed up at a later time to convey my condolences. If you don't know the person well, a hug may be the best, most appropriate action to show that you care.

What makes grief so complex?
There are just so, so many factors that you'll have to consider when reaching for a proper response:

WHO. Your relationship to the person who is experiencing the grief (Is this your spouse? A friend? An acquaintance? Someone you've never met before?). Close family and friends are less likely to judge your words and message in a negative way.
WHAT. The nature of the trauma. Loss is loss and each loss is a terrible thing. And not to minimize the feelings of loss or grief, but let's be real: there's a difference between losing a105 year old grandparent and the untimely and unexpected death of a child.
WHEN. The length of time since the trauma occurred. If the death occurred very recently (within a few weeks), try to remember that this person is reeling and mired in hopelessness and helplessness...they are stuck in a "time warp" - the person grieving may be unable to see the future clearly without his/her loved one in it and even the most basic of daily activities can overwhelm.

It truly is a difficult thing to know the most appropriate thing to say at the most appropriate time...and then to know that your message may be received differently depending on the person you are trying to encourage. That "I'm so sorry" that you express with the best of intentions may be the best form of encouragement to a good friend, or it could be a source of irritation to someone else who is mired in grief. But that shouldn't prevent us from at least trying to encourage.

I am still learning...but hope this helps some.

{See part 2: Dealing with Injury}

Preparing for a Military Ball

Once again, another Ball is right around the corner. There were 2 in the month of May (Florida and Kansas)...and 1 in Colorado in August. I thought I'd detail the process of preparing for a Ball or Formal and document that here...enjoy:)

A formal invite for a military ball should come out about 4-6 weeks before the Ball, but the date of the Ball or Formal is usually known much earlier in advance. If I had one piece of advice to offer here, it would be: start preparing as far in advance as possible. I learned this lesson the hard way last year when I sauntered into a local bridal store - 2 weeks before the Ball - and expected to pick out the perfect formal gown. When I spoke to the owner of the store, I told her what I was looking for...she asked my time line...I told her...and then she laughed. It was then that my hopes were crushed...who on earth knew that it took as long as 8 weeks to order a bridesmaid or party dress?! Well, now I do...and so do you. So start planning early.

Places to look for a gown or dress:

• Bridal store
• Local swaps on Post - while I have never done this, I do know someone who has. My concern is sizing - could it be like trying to find a needle in a haystack?
• Friends - one of my good girlfriends in Memphis had a beautiful purple gown (she wore as a bridesmaid in a wedding) that would be perfect!
• Online - please be very careful on this; the sizing varies greatly! I have ordered a size 4 that fit too loosely...and a size 8 that fit too tightly! It can be frustrating and costly (returns & shipping).

Here are some of the things I think about when picking out a dress:


Think about LENGTH & STYLE:
If it is a formal event or occasion (Ball, Dining out, etc), it is a given - in my mind - that I'll be sporting a long dress. At every Ball I've attended, there's been some poor woman walking around in a tight, ultra short mini - Yikes. Not only do all the women look at her and exclaim, "Bless her heart!" but the soldiers also notice (and this is especially not good if your soldier's Chain of Command takes notice). People are usually gracious enough to not make those ladies feel uncomfortable, but you do not want to be the attendee who looks like she also works in a gentleman's club. Some of the younger ladies will reuse their prom dresses - while cute, this is also not the most appropriate. Shorter tutu skirts, lots of sequins and frill are totally fun but, again, not formal. If you're unsure about your dress, ask yourself this question, "If I were attending a formal dinner at the White House, would I feel comfortable and confident that this choice of dress communicates respect for the event, the hosts, the venue, my date and myself?" If the answer is a confident, "Yes!" then, by all means, go with your dress choice. And rock on with confidence. :)   


Think about FIT:
Will you be able to sit, stand, dance for several hours without having your circulation cut off? The goal here is comfortable and flattering. There are some dresses I just love...and they look amazing....on other people. It's important to always try on the dress to see if it really is a match for your body shape. I've seen dresses that look amazing on a hanger yet look totally wonky once worn. No kidding. Try that dress on...walk around, even sit in it. Does the dress complement you?...or stress you out? A formal ball is no place to feel insecure or nervous so, if you do not feel confident and beautiful in the dress at the store, then put it back on the rack. 

Think about COLOR:
Many ladies try to pick out a blue that will match their date's dress blues. I typically avoid blue...for that very reason. When taking formal photos, my fear has always been that I would "disappear" next to my date. Not to mention that it's always kind of fun to be a standout in a crowd full of Blue:)

The only thing that I'd caution against here is a print...prints, although lovely, are typically not considered formal. So try to select a good primary color that looks great with your complexion and makes you feel beautiful.

A word about SHOES:
Shoes have never been high on my priority list....because no one ever sees them. For me, shoes simply need to meet one criteria:

1. Comfort (for extended wear and for dancing)

Some ladies really love getting fun & sassy shoes - and that's great! It's just not ever been super important to me. In fact, I can't recall anyone's shoes from any Ball that I've ever attended.

ALTERATIONS:
You're getting a long dress, and chances are you're going to need some minor alterations...most likely on the length. Plan to put this in front of your seamstress at least a week before the event (to allow for enough time ...and just in case additional length needs to be hemmed up!)...Allow for additional time if your event falls during a very busy party season (think: wedding and/or prom season!). And, when you go visit the seamstress, make sure you know what shoes you'll be wearing. You must bring the exact shoes you plan to wear with your gown to your alterations appointment, otherwise how will your seamstress know the proper amount of length to hem when you plan to wear heels yet show up in some fabulous flats?!

HELPFUL TIPS:

• If you find a wonderful dress in a store, but feel faint when thinking about paying retail price, find out what size you need and then turn to eBay or Craigslist! I just bought my dream dress, brand new, which normally retails for $390...for $90 on eBay.
• Jewelry - like everything else, it should accentuate your look and not detract. Try it on and make a decision in advance.
• Hair & makeup - some ladies have their hair & makeup professionally done, and they look amazing. But I've never done this and don't feel that it is, by any means, a requirement. If I did do this, I'd definitely feel the need to do a "test run" before the event. Someone I know had her teenage daughter do her makeup - and she looked fantastic!!  
• Try everything on! Of course you've already tried your gown on in the store...but try it on again, with shoes, when you get home. Waltz around in it. Stand in front of the mirror. You'll feel silly, but this is one less thing you'll have to worry about when getting ready for the evening. If you've tried it on and given yourself a thorough "checking out," you can get ready quickly on the night of the event and you'll feel confident. The alternative is that you'll feel rushed or, worse, arrive late to your event. No bueno.

 
 
Hope this helps!

If anyone has any good tips or "Do"s and/or "Don't"s, please feel free to sound off in the comments, or link to another blog posting. If I receive any other amazing tips, I'll be sure to share:)

Rules of the Road

I have been really excited to share this post for a long, long time... :)

Driving around an Army Installation can be quite an experience. It's a small ordeal just to get on to post...but, once you've gained admittance, you can't help but notice that you're definitely not in civilian-land! I've tried my best to capture some of my very first obvious impressions of driving around the Installation...and, to sum it up, I'd say that if you imagined a mix of/cross between a college campus and a National Park/battleground, you'd pretty much get the idea!

Here's the skinny on how driving on Post is like driving on a College Campus:

1. There are MPs (Military Police) on Post and they mean business. Remember "campo's" from your college days? Campus cops have nothing on these guys/gals.
2. You don't speed. You just don't. (see #1, above)
3. You never, never, never must use your cell phone whilst driving! Did I mention there are MPs? If they catch you talking & driving or texting & driving, you will have your Post driving privileges taken away. And you wouldn't ever want that to happen. If you simply must take a call or text, it is very common/customary to pull off to the side of the road.
4. Just like college campuses, there are reserved and restricted parking spots. And, trust me on this one, if you are ever tempted to park in a reserved spot because you're running late to a function, you will feel a wave of terror. :)
5. You will need to watch carefully for pedestrians. It is very common for soldiers to be walking during the day between/among buildings.  

Here's the skinny on how driving on Post is like driving on a National Battleground or State Park:

Exhibit 1: Random weaponry. It is literally littered everywhere. On the sidewalks, in front of buildings...you simply can not escape the tanks from various eras.

These are tanks from WWII, I believe. There's a collection of 4 of them adjacent to the Parade Field.

Exhibit 2: Horse jumps. These are placed in front of every major building and place of historical significance and are designed to give you pertinent information about the building or monument. These are uniquely "Riley" since Fort Riley has its historical roots deep in the cavalry. As an interesting aside - when driving, you may notice that some of the roads at Fort Riley don't seem to make sense. Again, this is because the Post was designed for horse traffic...and not for automobile traffic. Someday, perhaps, I'll feel confident to write an entire blog post about Fort Riley...it is so interesting!  

 

The Buffalo Soldier Memorial - located just outside of Trooper gate.

Exhibit 3: Memorials. You'll be hard pressed to drive too far without seeing at least a handful of (mostly horse-related) memorials and monuments. They each have a name and, you guessed it, an interesting back story of some sort. Next month my goal is to partner with a docent or a member of the Historical and Archeological Society of Fort Riley to learn more about each of these monuments and memorials. Bonus points if we could do the tour on horseback. :) !   

"Old Bill" - at last week's Change of Command Ceremony on the Parade Field.

Exhibit 4: Bombs, missiles, etc. It's not at all uncommon to see missiles and bombs along the roadways. Most units proudly display these items and sometimes I wish I could just stop the car to get out & investigate!! The photo below is of the bomb from our own "front yard"...in front of our Battalion. It has become somewhat customary for me to get a photo in front of the bomb regularly. You would not recognize me in most of the photos since the Kansas wind is quite ferocious and I usually end up looking like "Cousin It" from the Adam's Family...  

This is the "big bomb" outside our Battalion. This was taken 2 weekends ago (when the wind was unusually calm!). Notice that our grass is already starting to die - it's going to be a long, hot summer!

Exhibit 5: Unusual Signage. I must confess that this one caught me off guard the first time I saw it! Although, after thinking about it, I realize this makes perfect sense: this Post is essentially a giant classroom. Every square foot of it is useful for training and preparation. It is not uncommon to see a convoy of tan tanks or jeeps in a field completing a training exercise or drill. And nighttime is when the helicopters practice their drills and training. It is an interesting community! 

 

These are real photos of places I frequent - I hope this gives you some idea of the sights (and sometimes sounds!) I'm experiencing. Is this typical of every Army Post? In many ways I'd imagine so...but I am sure there are many differences as well. I'm definitely enjoying the flavor and uniqueness of Fort Riley!

Thank you for letting me share this with you!! :) 

A

A quick note about: deployment care packages

Some of the single greatest inspiration for blog posts come from my very own friends!

"...During the time he was in Afghanistan, our Organization sent care packages to soldiers, and our HR team sent him one...I think, 'Wow...he was going through this and all he got from us was a cheesy little care package.' If you get a chance, ask your spouse if care packages from non-family people are liked by soldiers, or if it is almost like leaving a waitress a nickel tip?"

.. so I did; I put this question to my soldier-husband and I also reached out to one of our unit's FRG Leaders to gain some insight....

It only takes a small about of maturity and graciousness for people to appreciate the thoughtful gestures of others. And soldiers are no different.

But what makes a care package truly USEFUL and most appreciated by soldiers?

Short answer: "It depends"

I should've known it wouldn't be so simple...

Location, location, location:
If the Unit is stationed at a very small base...they are really roughing it. These guys love ANYTHING you can send them - soap, nice toothbrushes, socks, and almost anything else you can think of in the personal hygiene category... They love snacks and nice coffee too.

If the Unit is stationed at a very large and more modern base (like Bagram, population 20K), they'll have access to the basics; no problem. I recently heard about an organization that chose to ship cases upon cases of hand santizer and dry shampoo to units/soldiers stationed at Bagram. While the soldiers appreciated the intention and the thoughtfulness of the gesture, the product went largely unused and even discarded. Very sad. Soldiers stationed at larger bases generally prefer People Magazines, devotionals, popular books, nice coffee, and news from "home." Many soldiers in one of our deployed units simply can't get enough of: Red Bull, hard candy, fruit rollups, cheese crackers with peanut butter, Crystal Lite water flavoring, coffee, almonds and Pringles chips.

Individual preferences:
Within any unit, there are soldiers of various nationalities and from different walks of life. One of the soldiers from our currently deployed unit is from the Philippines originally. She often makes requests for unique food items (we'd have trouble procuring those items in small-town Kansas, but no trouble finding them in the markets of larger cities). Some of the young, single soldiers have unique requests as well - the first that comes to mind is Red Bull (for when they are working an overnight security shift).

Bottom Line:
If I were a business or charitable organization wanting to send a care package, I'd look to partner with or "adopt" a specific Unit that is deploying. I'd take the time to contact that FRG (Family Readiness Group) Leader and ask him/her/them to provide feedback on specific Soldier requests. That's the best, most foolproof way to make sure that only items that are needed are sent because, if soldiers get care packages with items they don't need or won't use, they won't usually pick through them...instead, the contractors and the locals will have access to go pick through those packages. So you want to make sure that the items you send are appropriate...that way you can be sure that the care packages end up in the hands of a Soldier with a need...and not an Iraqi/Afghani contractor.

I hope this helps! I tried to speak in generalities because each location and situation is truly so different, as well as fluid/changing. If you have tips you'd like to share, or questions you'd like to ask, or a desire to support a currently deployed Unit, please message me. :)

Formal Military Ball Reception Line Protocol

At every formal military Ball, the activity that signals the transition from cocktail hour to the official festivities is the infamous Reception Line (sometimes called "receiving line").

I say "infamous," mostly tongue-in-cheek, only because it is often the single-most activity - of all the evening's events - that seems to cause the most confusion and distress. And, indeed, many mistakes in protocol often occur in the reception line.

My own history with the reception line has been hit-or-miss:

• First Ball attended (Marine Corps; Fort Worth, TX) - avoided/bypassed the Line. 
• Second Ball attended (Army; Fort Riley, KS) - participated in the Line; awkward
• Third Ball attended (EOD Community/all branches of service; Fort Walton Beach, FL) - no Line
• Fourth Ball attended (Army; Fort Riley, KS) - enjoyed the Line!

So here are the nuts-and-bolts of the Reception Line - what it is...and how it works.
The purpose of the Reception Line is to transition from the unofficial social hour (usually a cocktail hour) to the formal event. This is the opportunity for all guests to formally meet the hosts/hostesses and distinguished guests of honor.

• Your invitation will specify the hour that the Reception Line will commence. Tip: though not required, it might not be a bad idea to "hover" close to where the Line will form as the hour approaches because, once the announcement is made to open the Line, it will form QUICKLY. Ideally, you'll be close to the front/first of the line - when your hosts are fresh - rather than trailing and rounding out the end of the line when your hosts have already greeted several hundred other guests and are simply "going through the motions."
• Your invitation may also provide the names of the hosts and the guest(s) of honor for the evening. Tip: you can usually find the bio of each of the Service Member hosts/hostesses and Distinguished Guests online. Take 20 minutes and look up this information!! You will learn the most interesting information about where these folks are from and where they've visited throughout their career, among other things. Don't be shy during social hour - if you see these folks, speak to them! And, you'll be armed with lots of information about them so there shouldn't be a lull in conversation. Just remember: the Reception Line is not the time/place to engage in conversation. Such pleasantries should be reserved for Social Hour.   
• You shouldn't be carrying anything as you proceed through the reception line. Ladies may keep a small purse or clutch but anything else (coats, hats, umbrellas, etc.) should either be checked into the coat check provided in the cocktail area or placed in the Ballroom at your assigned table/seat. If you have a drink leftover from social hour, you'll need to find a way to dispose of it; you should place it on one of the tables in the cocktail area or place it inside the Ballroom at your assigned table/seat. Etiquette does allow for evening gloves to be worn through the Line.
• Drinking and smoking are not allowed in the reception line. Ever. Period.
• Pay attention to how you approach the Line. As a couple joins the reception line, you'll line up side-by-side with the gentleman standing on the side near to the receiving party (hosts). Once a couple approaches the receiving line, gentlemen allow for the ladies to proceed first through the receiving line in single-file order. Ladies always proceed first through the receiving line, even if the lady is the service member.
• Introductions. The adjutant serves as the "announcer" and will be the first person in the receiving line. DO NOT SHAKE his or her hand. As a helpful reminder - this member of the Line will have his/her hands firmly clasped together behind the back. The service member should make the introduction - introducing the guest/spouse and then self using last names only. For example, "Mrs. Smith, Sergeant Smith" or "Miss Nelson, Lieutenant Jones." The adjutant will then announce your name (or names, if a couple) to the host/hostess nearest...and each member of the Host Party will introduce you to the next host/hostess standing to their right....and on down the line you go!
• When shaking hands, a short but polite greeting is necessary. For example, "Good evening, it is a pleasure to meet you." Please reserve conversation for another time...the line must keep moving. 
• Everyone is required to go through the receiving line. Avoiding or bypassing the Line is considered "discourteous action." (Color Guard is the only exception.)

And there you have it!

With a little preparation beforehand and a little practice, you'll surely sparkle and shine as your rock the Reception Line with a genuine, relaxed and confident smile.

Easy, right? :)

ADDENDUM to Memorial Day 101

A very close friend called me yesterday to talk about the Memorial Day 101 post. And by close friend, I mean the kind of friend who could call me a "jerk" (or would that be "jerkette"?) and I would know that it comes from a place of love and concern. Rather than edit the original post, I thought it best to address the matter here, in a separate post.

She brought up a very compelling point, "Shouldn't we, as American civilians, feel free to enjoy Memorial Day in whatever way we choose? Including light-hearted or recreational ways? Isn't that the essence of what these brave men & women fought and died to secure?"

Yes, dear friend, you are absolutely right.

And the thought occurred to me that some who read that post might actually believe that I was suggesting that it is only proper and fitting to mope around, all solemn and respectful and spend the entire Day or weekend much like the photo below:

 

Please allow me clarify, won't you? 

When writing the Memorial Day 101 post, I purposely steered clear of telling people how they should spend their Memorial Day. That's not my place or even intention and there's simply no official etiquette or guidance on the matter because of the very reason my dear friend cited above. Yes, it is absolutely ok to spend the Day however you may please. Feel better? ;)

The Memorial Day 101 post was written simply as guidance on how to view/speak about the Memorial Day...since, gauging from the amount of off-the-wall comments on FB, there seems to be a general lack of knowledge/understanding on what the Day is and what the Day isn't about. My assumption is that people genuinely want to honor the Memorial Day...but doing so inappropriately can actually have the opposite effect...or at least provide fodder for a "Bless his/her heart!" comment(s).

Quite simply: the Post was about comments (ie - how we speak about Memorial Day)...but was not intended to serve as an instructional guide on how to spend the Day. Were there tips provided for special ways to observe Memorial Day? Yes, absolutely...but those are for the over-achievers among us who are interested in taking special steps to honor the day or who may be looking for ways to educate children on significant US history and traditions.

Helpful? Clear as mud? Feel free to sound off in the comments. You can even call me a jerk/jerkette and I won't be offended. Promise. 

Have a super blessed day!    

Memorial Day 101

People. Let's talk for a minute about Memorial Day - as observed in the USA - what it IS and what it ISN'T.

I confess that my own understanding of Memorial Day prior to last year was fuzzy, at best. I knew that it always fell on a Monday and, not unlike Labor Day, meant an extra "free" day off of work. Yahoo! Who doesn't like an extra day free from work?? An extra day means time for travel, cooking out and enjoying time with friends and family - on a boat or in a backyard. A day to be and to feel Patriotic. A day to fly Old Glory and a day to reflect on the military.

I'm embarrassed to admit: that.was.all.

Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a formal military Memorial Day Ceremony for the first time. My now-husband invited me to attend the Ceremony which was held on-post at Ft. Riley. There was the customary pomp, to be sure, that comes along with any formal military event - the cavalry horses and riders, the soldiers on the hillside standing at the ready beside the cannons, the flags, the dress blues. We were seated - 2nd row - and the ceremony soon got underway. The Chaplain prayed, a distinguished guest spoke, cannons volleyed and a wreath was laid in honor of those who lost life in the line of duty. It was a very SOLEMN event...not unlike attending an actual funeral.

This year, the Day bears even more meaning to me as a newly minted Army spouse. Why? Because, in the last 3 weeks we (either my husband or my husband & me) have attended no fewer than 4 Memorials for fallen soldiers (with 4 more this coming week; combined into one ceremony!). The immeasurable consuming grief felt by the families/friends/loved ones and the loss felt by the fellow soldiers were very heavy - each and every one very raw and very real.

It is through this lens that I present to you the following:  

Appropriate words to describe Memorial Day: solemn, reverent, sober, humbled, grateful and reflective
Inappropriate words to describe Memorial Day: happy, celebrating

Appropriate/best sentiments to express honor on Memorial Day:
(and these are actual posts from friends on Facebook)
"Remembering those who have given their lives for our freedoms. Freedom isn't "free." Sending much love and many prayers for the families left behind, and for Our Country. May God continue to richly bless Her."

"Today we remember all of the men and women who have paid the ultimate price to defend our freedom. In doing so, we must also remember the Soldier that gave his life so that those same individuals (and all of us) could triumph over death. That Soldier is our Savior, Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory!!"

"Today we commemorate those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for the American ideal."

"Humbled & grateful for the sacrifice so many have made for this country & our way of life. May we strive this day & all days to honor their sacrifice by being willing to make ones we are called to make."

"Every day we owe honor and respect to all those who have and do serve. Today we give special thanks to the many who have given the ultimate sacrifice of life in defense of our great country. Their courage, bravery and dedication should inspire us daily to live a life of service to honor their sacrifice."

OK/semi-appropriate sentiments on Memorial Day:
"We are thankful for those who are serving our country." *

Completely inappropriate sentiments for Memorial Day:
"Happy Memorial Day" 

"happy memorial day everyone! Lets take a minute to remember the fallen today as we are bbqing and hanging out with family/friends." **



* What makes these types of sentiments less appropriate for Memorial Day remembrance? While it is always generous and wonderful to express gratitude to/for current service members, there is a special day for that: it's called Veterans Day. Memorial Day, on the other hand, is the unique day to remember the Fallen/deceased who served our Nation's interests in wars past and present, domestically and abroad.

** Yes, this was actually written on Facebook (not by a personal friend). There are two unfortunate parts to the comment: 1. The use of the word "happy" ... 2. The encouragement for us to take a few minutes from our BBQ/fun day to remember. Talk about the tail wagging the dog! Now I love BBQ just as much as the next gal but someone really should inform this person that this is a day of remembrance, not a day of BBQ (hence it is called "Memorial Day" and not "BBQ Day.").

It should also go without saying that this is not a "happy" day or occasion...just as you would not dream of saying, "Happy Holocaust Remembrance Day," you should refrain from wishing others a "Happy Memorial Day." In sum, this Day is about singular reflection on those who made the ultimate sacrifice on behalf of our Nation's interests at home and abroad, past and present. It is a day that we observe and remember, but do not "celebrate."

For helpful tips on how to best observe Memorial Day, you may click HERE or just Google the matter. Hope this helps!

PLEASE NOTE: There is a very important ADDENDUM TO THIS POST!

EOD Memorial: Need-to-know

If you ever have the opportunity to attend an EOD Memorial (held each year at Eglin AFB), here are the concise basic points on what you need to know. It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and, not unlike the Changing of the Guard at Arlington National Cemetery, is a very moving occasion steeped in symbolism and tradition.

I've complied a practical list of need-to-know information if you plan to attend. Some of this is based on my own personal experience from attending this year. Most of this information, comes from a good and very knowledgeable Army Sister! 


What to expect:

• Plan to arrive an hour-and-a-half before the Ceremony. Parking gets tricky and seating is very limited...those arriving late are welcome to stand in the common areas throughout the duration of the Ceremony. If you're stuck standing, just be aware and sensitive that you are not blocking the view of others. 
• Plan for the Ceremony to be at least an hour long.
• Prepare for loud noises. The Patriot Guard Riders are likely to be present and, as is military custom, three volleys will sound near the conclusion of the Ceremony.
• Plan to make arrangements for young children. This is an intense and solemn event; one that often tests the boundaries of children's patience... This year, there was childcare provided on location. I'm not certain if this is available every year, so you'll want to check the EOD Memorial Facebook page for information.
• Plan for unpredictable weather. It almost goes without saying that Florida, in early May, can be hot & humid (like this year) or unseasonably chilly. There's always a chance for a stray shower or even unexpected thunderstorm. This year we had a very warm hazy day with a few sprinkles!  

What to wear/bring:

• Dress as you would for a graduation commencement, or a daytime social event, or church service - a proper fitting dress or skirt suit (with a respectful hem length) is most appropriate. Workout, beach, pool attire is NOT appropriate. Neither is tight, skimpy clothing - this detracts from solemnity of the occasion and is wildly disrespectful. This is your chance to honor the families of those who made the Ultimate Sacrifice. Consider, also, the neckline - it might be an unwise choice to wear a one-shouldered sundress if your evening gown (for the Ball held later that same night) is strapless.   
• Comfortable flats or wedged heels - you will do lots of walking and, obviously, spiky heels don't fare so well in grass.
• Sunscreen - even though the official ceremony is held earlier during the day than in years past, the sun can be a brutal factor.
• Hat - a tasteful dressy hat is not only stylish but, more importantly, can also provide relief from the sun.
• Sunglasses - see a common trend yet? The sun can put a damper on your morning if you don't take proper precautions.
• Kleenex - you will be emotionally moved. It's OK. Just be prepared.
• Pocket-sized travel umbrella - it's Florida, after all, and the weather is often unpredictable.

I hope this is helpful! Let me know if you have a favorite tip - please share below or message me and I'll consider adding them to this list.