Apple Day 2012 {Part 1}

I am SO EXCITED to share this experience with you (well, as much as typed words, posted pics and videos can "share"). :)

Saturday was the annual Fall Festival on Fort Riley - known as "Apple Day" - it is a completely free and very entertaining event. It's also kind of the "last Hurrah" before the weather turns "if-y" and winter starts to move in. Our entire community has been abuzz with activity this past week - planning, organizing, coordinating and preparing for the big Day! It was so exciting to watch as things started to come together.

What a busy and wonderful lineup of events!

Map of activities/events and displays.

Our own Battalion was approved to participate in the Day - and we chose to sell funnel cakes & coffee to raise money for the 4 FRGs in our Battalion here at Fort Riley (the other 3 are located on Fort Bliss and Fort Leonard Wood). It was so inspiring to watch the FRG Leaders from each of these Companies work together to pull off our part of this HUGE event. 

Debbie & I the night before the event - we had a banner-making party:)

The sign in "action."

Look at this line! It was like this ALL day - our booth had the longest line consistently.

Behind the scenes snapshot!

Still smiling after a long day of heat, grease burns and fried funnel cakes!

Yes, we had 6 deep fryers going at once at all times...the inspector hovered around our booth all day.

Those hungry people aren't going to feed themselves...time to mix up some more cake-y goodness!

The less glamorous "cleanup" :-(

We managed to raise a fair amount of funds for the 4 FRGs....which should go quite a long way to take care of Soldiers and Family members.

A friend & I spent 3 1/2 hours today cleaning up the mess you see above. What you don't see here is that all of these items are COVERED in grease. It.was.disgusting. We managed to make a good sized dent in the stack above, but there's probably more grease scrubbing in my future!!

Ewwww. :P

What are some of my favorite things about military life?

1. My Husband
2. The people you meet
3. The pride, patriotism and pageantry
4. Blue Star Letters

Today was an absolute whirwind of activity....lots of planning/coordination for a major event on Post (I'll try to post photos next week) tomorrow. I had exactly 1 hour today when I was not with someone: 30 minutes driving to Fort Riley and 30 minutes driving back home. I spent the drive in on the phone with my husband's folks...and the return drive on the phone with my parents.

In the midst of all the running, planning and doing, I was confronted by one of the most remarkably moving things I've ever had the opportunity to see since "joining the military."

Blue Star Letter

Can you read it?

I'll fix some of the spelling errors and retype below:

Dear Veteran, 
I appreciate you giving up so much for our country. I do not have the courage to give up so much and risk so much so I appreciate those who do all the more. I have heard that military families move a lot. I have never had to move so I don't know how hard that was on you. Since I am not in the military, I do not know what troubles you have faced. I can not begin to imagine how hard it must be to be in the military so I do not know what to say. I thank you for your sacrifice again. I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you for so much. 

Sincerely,
T. Lockett

Oh.My.Stars.

This kid gets it!!!! He may not know exactly what challenges military families face, but he is spot on in the couple that he names (specifically): The moves and the sacrifice. And then he simply admits to not knowing what to say but that he wants so much to convey his appreciation. Precious and awesome.

 Thank you for letting me share something that is, to me, so touching and so priceless.

And you better believe this kid is getting a letter in return... :)

New Collection - FYSA

Today has been a fun, phone-filled day! Can't say that a lot was accomplished, but things got pushed a little further up the hill. Hopefully good seeds were planted for wonderful things to grow a little later! Sorry this post feels a little rushed, but I only have time for a very quick shout-out:
 

Have you noticed the new-ish button/link at the top of this page?

It's been hanging out there for a couple of months now so I thought I'd provide an explanation for what you can find there - It's a new collection called "For Your Situational Awareness" or "FYSA" for short. All of the best, most impactful lessons I've learned about military life and protocol are house there. To see all the posts arranged, topically (and hopefully logically), please visit the FYSA Page


To see all the posts for FYSA, in chronological order you can find them all grouped here: FYSA Labels

I hope this information (and page) is helpful for you...or for someone you may know. Is there someone you know who may need exposure to this information? Please feel free to share!

:)

Good morning/thought for the day

Good morning!
How are you doing today?
Is it delightfully fall-ish where you live?
Have you indulged in a delicious fall-ish caffeinated beverage yet?

We have pumpkins and we have mums and I'm really enjoying Fall this year!

Military thought of the day:
Never criticize a military spouse (or family member), for that same spouse you "burn" today may be the very same spouse that loses her husband tomorrow. 

Wow.

Hard words to live by, right?

I think this wonderful thought embraces what's inherent about military life: uncertainty.

But, if we're really, really honest with ourselves, can anyone really be assured of 100% safety/security?

So maybe the real universal lesson here is this: Avoid criticizing others. Period.

On a much lighter note:
:)

Good Grief - Deployment

Ok, breathe easy, this is the last post in a series of 3 that deals with addressing Grief. :)

Post #1: Death

Post #2: Injury

When dealing with: Deployment

Speaking from a strictly civilian standpoint, the most difficult part about the military lifestyle for me to imagine is deployment...in fact, it's something that I actively avoid thinking about. I'll see the photos of the emotional "goodbyes" and then I like to skip right ahead to the heartfelt reunion photos...but it's the "in between" that I just seem to gloss right over. What happens during this time? What is life like for a spouse of a deployed Soldier? For a parent? For children?

Part of the complexity of analyzing the deployment experience is that there are so many factors impacting the loved one left behind:

• Relationship - is the loved one a parent or spouse or child of the deploying/deployed Soldier? One relationship is not superior to the others, but each relational role holds a different set of challenges and considerations.
• Length of deployment - is the Soldier going on a short term training (10 days?) or deploying for 6, 7, 9, 12 or 15 (all approximate) months? You will miss your Soldier regardless of the length of time away from home, but there are certainly different emotions and anxieties that accompany the different lengths of deployment. 
• Location of deployment - does your Soldier's assignment require a 12 month unaccompanied tour to Korea...or a 12 month deployment to a remote base in a combat zone?
• Prior experience with deployment - is this deployment #1...or #5? The case could be argued that the first is the most difficult...but many seasoned deployment veterans may quickly remind us all that deployments absolutely do not get any easier (especially when children are involved). I have seen, first-hand, however that these spouses seem a little more adept at adjusting (quickly) and have more resources and perspective in their "tool kits." You'd better believe that I'm going to be talking to a seasoned spouse when it is my husband's time to deploy.

Here's a brief list of some of the "biggies" to consider when trying to provide encouragement:
Please do not: say to a loved one "Chin up" or "Don't be sad"

Consider instead: The key to understanding this type of grief is to realize that there's been a loss. A loss of the physical presence and companionship of a very close loved one. There's also the loss of perceived safety - although no one is guaranteed safety here, stateside, the chances for harm or for something to go wrong is magnified once a loved one enters a hostile nation - and watching and/or reading news only fuels these fears and uncertainties. During a deployment, communication will be infrequent and unreliable. When planning what you might say to a grieving loved one, you may want to consider statements like, "I know this will be tough, but I also know that you are strong enough to thrive and make your Soldier proud." 

Please do not: Compare a deployment to a time when you were separated from a loved one (non-deployment) "You know, I really missed my husband, too, when he went on a trip with his buddies to Ireland."  

Consider instead: Just don't even go here. 

Please do not: "He'll be just fine" or "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about"

Consider instead: Unless you can guarantee 100%, that this is true, please don't say things like this. It makes you appear wildly out of touch. Offer, instead, "I'll keep you and your Soldier in my thoughts over these coming months. Please let me know if you need anything or if I can help make this journey easier while he's away" or "I appreciate the sacrifice you & your family are making, it means a lot to me." 

Please do not: Discuss the politics of war.

Consider instead: Limit the amount of distress and controversy. Remember that the spouse/parent/child is strictly focused on the very real angst of being separated from a loved one.

Please do not:  Say nothing at all.

Consider instead: Deployments are tough and, oftentimes, friends and extended family simply do not know the best thing to say. And that's perfectly OK...most military spouses don't even know the exact right thing to say, either. Just letting someone know that you are there for them...and then calling or texting periodically can provide just the right encouragement at just the right time.

This list is hardly an exhaustive one - there are so many resources, downloads and entire books devoted to this very complex topic. Please remember that I am very new to the Army family and that, as we near our very first deployment as a couple, I'll be learning lots about what the deployment experience looks like/feels like for me. Will my experience be representative of what all military spouses go through? In some ways, probably yes, and in some ways, maybe not. But I'll try to make it my own and to own it in an authentic way...and I promise to write what I know. Sound good? :)

Additional reading:
"Letter to a friend whose husband is deployed" - a must read!
"Things I wish I had the courage to say during a deployment" - yes, yes and yes.
Deployment Guide - a free download compliments of Veterans United

Good Grief - Injury

Last week I introduced the topic of GRIEF. While it's not a very glamorous topic, nor is it a topic which is very fun to read/write about, it is an important one to give thought to - especially if you are in any way affiliated with the military community. Last week was an in-depth examination of death....and running neck-and-neck with the topic of death is the issue of injury.

Injury is a tremendously scary situation - especially if your loved one's injuries are sustained while s/he is deployed. Information and communication is hard to come by and the full extent of the injury/injuries might not be known for several days...or weeks...or sometimes even months. The Army is systematic in its approach when a wounded warrior requires evacuation. And, thankfully, the Army is wonderful about providing special training and comprehensive resources for those of us who may cross paths with these wounded warriors.

If you anticipate interaction with a wounded servicemember, please invest the time to attend a formal sensitivity training course. You may have good intentions, but even the best of intentions can't "undo" hurt feelings that may occur if your initial response is a poor one. 

When dealing with injury: 

Please do not: "Welcome Home" or "At least you got to come home early"

Consider instead: I've actually been guilty of saying, "Welcome Home"...ouch. What's important to keep in mind here is that Soldiers anticipate deploying, fulfilling a mission and returning home...together. As a close-knit unit. Mission completed (or transitioned). And when an injury means that they must return, alone, earlier than expected, and unable to stand alongside their brothers & sisters in arms, they often experience feelings of shame, regret and loss. I've spoken with a few seriously injured Soldiers who, upon arrival stateside immediately begin talking about returning to duty downrange. Wow. It's been completely humbling to see the stuff that Soldiers are made of. And the spouse (or parents) can be incredibly unnerved...this was not the type of "homecoming" s/he envisioned. Better comments might include, "It is good to see you," or "I'm sorry he's been hurt," or "How was the flight in?" If you have an update or a message from the Soldier's unit downrange, this might be encouraging and appropriate to convey.   

Please do not: Talk "around" the wounded warrior{if you are visiting the Soldier & Family members at a hospital}

Consider instead: No one likes to be talked "about" or identified by their injury. It may seem like oversimplified common sense, but try to be respectful and speak directly "to" the Soldier.


Please do not: say, "You look fine," or "He looks OK."

Consider instead: The Army only evacuates Soldiers for very serious reasons or causes. Just because you can't physically see the injury doesn't mean that injury doesn't exist. In fact, some of the most severe injuries from war are precisely the ones that can't be physically seen: those that involve PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury. You may want to consider avoiding all statements that could be construed as a non-medically qualified opinion...you wouldn't want the Soldier or the Family members to feel as though you've formed an opinion that the Soldier didn't really sustain trauma after all. Think, for a moment, about what this type of message implies about the character of the wounded warrior. Even if the resulting injuries are very treatable and less serious in nature; emotionally, the Soldier and Family members are not fine. Statements such as, "I wish you a full and quick recovery," or "Please let me know what I can do to help while you are recovering" are probably the most comforting during this time.

Please do not: say, "It could've been worse," or "At least you have one (or both) of your legs/arms/etc"

Consider instead: Ouch, this one hurts...these comments, even though they may come from the best place in your heart (you may be thinking, "Who wouldn't want to be encouraged in a positive, 'look-on-the-bright-side' way?") can really sting. I'll have to be somewhat generic here (because the range of possible injury is so wide that it's really impossible to address every scenario) but you'll want to think strongly about the pain and loss and even fear that's been experienced. Think about what caused the injury - it was likely a trauma-inducing event, and the memories may haunt the Soldier for a lifetime. Think about the fear and uncertainty that followed: questions such as "What is the extent of my injury?" "Will I be able to recover from this?" "What does this mean for the future of my career? For the quality of life for rest of my life?" Consider the disappointment of having to leave fellow Soldiers behind to come back. Consider the pain of surgery. Consider the headache of the many visits to doctors. This represents a drastic change in lifestyle. By making well-meaning statements that encourage thankfulness for what didn't happen (hypothetically), you inadvertently minimize what did happen (reality). You can salvage the optimistic statement by pairing it with one that acknowledges the reality as well, "I so thankful that you are alive (or able to keep one or both of your arms/legs/etc), but I also know that the pain and the process must be incredibly difficult."
  
Bottom line: if you anticipate interaction with a Wounded Warrior or Family members please invest time into preparation. Your words (and how they make the families feel) may be remembered for a long, long time. Ask what you can do to make their journey easier (and then do it). A "good heart" does not substitute for "good preparation" - but, with both, you can increase your chances of making a positive memory/impact for a hurting family. And, even if you do make a mistake, you'll be able to recover well.

Helpful resources:
Wounded Warrior Resource Center
Military OneSource (online guides deal with grief & coping. Free telephone support/counseling can help you plan your responses to grieving family members).


Please tune in for the next & final installment about Grief: Deployment. 

Good Grief - Death

Grief is a very complex and deeply personal thing and those of us who are married to the military brush shoulders with it on a seemingly weekly basis.

What types of grief does our military community experience exactly?

Well, glad you asked!

The "big ones" are very easy to guess: death or injury to our loved one. Outside of that, grief can come from almost anywhere: feeling anxious about an upcoming deployment, feeling sad or lonely when you move away from family, friends and familiar surroundings, feeling unsure of your identity when your own career takes a back seat to your spouse's, grief when your kids are experiencing difficulty in school (or adjusting to your new surroundings), etc.

Grief happens when something is lost or missing or when something just isn't as we think it should be.

So, when you come face-to-face with grief, it's common to experience some measure of anxiety yourself: "What should I say? What if I say something wrong?”

Here are some pearls of wisdom I've absorbed lately from various sources that are super to keep top-of-mind...because one never, ever knows when you'll be called upon to comfort or encourage someone experiencing Grief.

When dealing with death: 

Please do not, "God's plan is best" or "God doesn't make mistakes."

Consider instead: Not everyone has the same belief system and, even if they do, these statements can trigger anger: at you and at God. Better to offer, "It is obvious that loved one's name is really special and I can see that you love him/her tremendously; I know you must miss him/her terribly right now."

Please do not, "Things will eventually get better/easier" or "You need to move on (for your children, for your family, for your deceased love one's sake)."

Consider instead: Grief is truly complex and personal. It doesn't follow a schedule and it absolutely can't be rushed. Something irreplaceable has just been lost and the survivor is reeling; creating guilt will not solve this situation. It may provide momentary relief if you focus, instead, on what needs to be done in the near-term and then offer your assistance, "I can see it's 6 o'clock and the kids haven't eaten yet, may I bring you a meal?" "Do you need for me to start a load of laundry for you or help the kids with homework?**" Sometimes you may have to help reintroduce the griever to normal daily activities while he/she is operating on "auto-pilot" or in a state of numbness.

**Special note: ALWAYS ask before you do anything (especially laundry). You would be heartbroken if you tossed her Soldier's worn clothes in the laundry only to discover later that you just washed away her loved one's scent (which provides powerful connection and memory).

Please do not, "I know how you feel..." 

Consider instead: It is impossible to fully know or understand how the other person feels. Even if you've experienced a similar loss of someone very close to you, you will never know how this specific loss is experienced by this specific person. Comparing your experience to theirs can actually make the other person feel like you are minimizing their trauma. It's best just not to reference or relay any kind of personal experience. This grief is about them. Honor that.


Please do not: say nothing at all

Consider instead: Silence, particularly from friends or loved ones, can wound deeply. It can feel as though your own world has stopped turning but everyone else is too busy to notice. It's OK to just let a friend know that you are thinking of them, praying for them and are "there/here" for them. And it's perfectly fine to confess that you simply don't know what to say! I once sent a card of condolence that said only, "No words." Of course, I followed up at a later time to convey my condolences. If you don't know the person well, a hug may be the best, most appropriate action to show that you care.

What makes grief so complex?
There are just so, so many factors that you'll have to consider when reaching for a proper response:

WHO. Your relationship to the person who is experiencing the grief (Is this your spouse? A friend? An acquaintance? Someone you've never met before?). Close family and friends are less likely to judge your words and message in a negative way.
WHAT. The nature of the trauma. Loss is loss and each loss is a terrible thing. And not to minimize the feelings of loss or grief, but let's be real: there's a difference between losing a105 year old grandparent and the untimely and unexpected death of a child.
WHEN. The length of time since the trauma occurred. If the death occurred very recently (within a few weeks), try to remember that this person is reeling and mired in hopelessness and helplessness...they are stuck in a "time warp" - the person grieving may be unable to see the future clearly without his/her loved one in it and even the most basic of daily activities can overwhelm.

It truly is a difficult thing to know the most appropriate thing to say at the most appropriate time...and then to know that your message may be received differently depending on the person you are trying to encourage. That "I'm so sorry" that you express with the best of intentions may be the best form of encouragement to a good friend, or it could be a source of irritation to someone else who is mired in grief. But that shouldn't prevent us from at least trying to encourage.

I am still learning...but hope this helps some.

{See part 2: Dealing with Injury}