Good Grief - Death

Grief is a very complex and deeply personal thing and those of us who are married to the military brush shoulders with it on a seemingly weekly basis.

What types of grief does our military community experience exactly?

Well, glad you asked!

The "big ones" are very easy to guess: death or injury to our loved one. Outside of that, grief can come from almost anywhere: feeling anxious about an upcoming deployment, feeling sad or lonely when you move away from family, friends and familiar surroundings, feeling unsure of your identity when your own career takes a back seat to your spouse's, grief when your kids are experiencing difficulty in school (or adjusting to your new surroundings), etc.

Grief happens when something is lost or missing or when something just isn't as we think it should be.

So, when you come face-to-face with grief, it's common to experience some measure of anxiety yourself: "What should I say? What if I say something wrong?”

Here are some pearls of wisdom I've absorbed lately from various sources that are super to keep top-of-mind...because one never, ever knows when you'll be called upon to comfort or encourage someone experiencing Grief.

When dealing with death: 

Please do not, "God's plan is best" or "God doesn't make mistakes."

Consider instead: Not everyone has the same belief system and, even if they do, these statements can trigger anger: at you and at God. Better to offer, "It is obvious that loved one's name is really special and I can see that you love him/her tremendously; I know you must miss him/her terribly right now."

Please do not, "Things will eventually get better/easier" or "You need to move on (for your children, for your family, for your deceased love one's sake)."

Consider instead: Grief is truly complex and personal. It doesn't follow a schedule and it absolutely can't be rushed. Something irreplaceable has just been lost and the survivor is reeling; creating guilt will not solve this situation. It may provide momentary relief if you focus, instead, on what needs to be done in the near-term and then offer your assistance, "I can see it's 6 o'clock and the kids haven't eaten yet, may I bring you a meal?" "Do you need for me to start a load of laundry for you or help the kids with homework?**" Sometimes you may have to help reintroduce the griever to normal daily activities while he/she is operating on "auto-pilot" or in a state of numbness.

**Special note: ALWAYS ask before you do anything (especially laundry). You would be heartbroken if you tossed her Soldier's worn clothes in the laundry only to discover later that you just washed away her loved one's scent (which provides powerful connection and memory).

Please do not, "I know how you feel..." 

Consider instead: It is impossible to fully know or understand how the other person feels. Even if you've experienced a similar loss of someone very close to you, you will never know how this specific loss is experienced by this specific person. Comparing your experience to theirs can actually make the other person feel like you are minimizing their trauma. It's best just not to reference or relay any kind of personal experience. This grief is about them. Honor that.


Please do not: say nothing at all

Consider instead: Silence, particularly from friends or loved ones, can wound deeply. It can feel as though your own world has stopped turning but everyone else is too busy to notice. It's OK to just let a friend know that you are thinking of them, praying for them and are "there/here" for them. And it's perfectly fine to confess that you simply don't know what to say! I once sent a card of condolence that said only, "No words." Of course, I followed up at a later time to convey my condolences. If you don't know the person well, a hug may be the best, most appropriate action to show that you care.

What makes grief so complex?
There are just so, so many factors that you'll have to consider when reaching for a proper response:

WHO. Your relationship to the person who is experiencing the grief (Is this your spouse? A friend? An acquaintance? Someone you've never met before?). Close family and friends are less likely to judge your words and message in a negative way.
WHAT. The nature of the trauma. Loss is loss and each loss is a terrible thing. And not to minimize the feelings of loss or grief, but let's be real: there's a difference between losing a105 year old grandparent and the untimely and unexpected death of a child.
WHEN. The length of time since the trauma occurred. If the death occurred very recently (within a few weeks), try to remember that this person is reeling and mired in hopelessness and helplessness...they are stuck in a "time warp" - the person grieving may be unable to see the future clearly without his/her loved one in it and even the most basic of daily activities can overwhelm.

It truly is a difficult thing to know the most appropriate thing to say at the most appropriate time...and then to know that your message may be received differently depending on the person you are trying to encourage. That "I'm so sorry" that you express with the best of intentions may be the best form of encouragement to a good friend, or it could be a source of irritation to someone else who is mired in grief. But that shouldn't prevent us from at least trying to encourage.

I am still learning...but hope this helps some.

{See part 2: Dealing with Injury}